I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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