He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
