i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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