that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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