somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
