i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
