i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
