cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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