I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
