I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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