Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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