CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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