So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
