There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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