angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
