I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
