Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize