whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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