Joe is yelling at the trees again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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