I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
