Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
