Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
