cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Come on in and take your pants off
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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