I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
