Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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