i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
