dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
