There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
