I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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