mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
