Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
