i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
