Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
