I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
