he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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