his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
