I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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