Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize