Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
