So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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