I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
