I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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