sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
