Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
