The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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