his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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