I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
