Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
