This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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