she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
