I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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