He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
