is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
