i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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