Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize