sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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