can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
