Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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