All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
