Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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