I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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