I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize