Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
