Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
