He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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