Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
