Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
