i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
