Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
