After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
