I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
