"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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